


you missed my heart

by stormysirens



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Angst with a Happy Ending, Canon-Typical Violence, Developing Friendships, Developing Relationship, F/F, First Kiss, Fix-It, Fix-It of Sorts, Fluff and Angst, Friends to Lovers, Friendship/Love, Love Confessions, Post-Canon Fix-It, Protective Mikasa Ackerman, Sasha Blouse Being Sasha Blouse, Sasha Blouse Lives, They/Them Pronouns for Hange Zoë, episode 8 hurt me, last three characters only mentioned, of sorts, that's all that matters
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-07
Updated: 2021-02-07
Packaged: 2021-03-12 02:53:43
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,176
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29253255
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/stormysirens/pseuds/stormysirens
Summary: There was a moment where everyone stilled after the two kids boarded.She almost didn’t recognize the girl at first. Unruly dark hair and auburn eyes were nothing if not common. But the rage and hurt and insistence embedded within them told Sasha everything she needed to know.It was time for the universe to collect.The silence that once seized the room was quickly replaced by a frustrated scream and a sharp, definitivebang.- or the one where Mikasaalmostloses the only bright source in her life. -
Relationships: Mikasa Ackerman & Sasha Blouse, Mikasa Ackerman/Sasha Blouse
Comments: 20
Kudos: 149





	you missed my heart

**Author's Note:**

  * For [sserendipityy](https://archiveofourown.org/users/sserendipityy/gifts).



> Hello again friends! I wrote this piece for one of my friends who was hurting as a result of last week's episode. I was also pretty sad too and writing fix-its is like my job at this point. This is my first work in the AOT fandom so some things might not align correctly with canon (sorry hehe). Anyways, join me at the end for some more notes, yeah? :) hope you enjoy!

It was funny to Sasha how each of their good moments were so fleeting.

Their existence had never known the nice tandem of give and take. Every bright moment they’d ever been granted was only at the expense of something else. The walls in exchange for entire fleets, a lover in exchange for a lover, the sea in exchange for a dream. It didn’t matter how much was sacrificed on their end, the universe never allotted them the reparations they were owed.

Her friends thought this cycle to be tiresome and cruel, but Sasha knew it to be familiar.

The whole thing felt a lot like hunger pains. Even if she devoured an entire feast there was still an empty, achy belly waiting for her just a hair’s breadth away. Timing and intent never mattered – if you had one thing the other was sure to follow shortly after because nature loved to work in pairs. Even if they didn’t match.

This is why she should have picked up on the pattern sooner. One minute they were riding out of a self-induced wasteland with the blood of thousands smeared across their faces; the next they were celebrating their own lives in the heated backroom of an airship. Connie holding her and Jean in place while they were covered in invisible war-paint was as much of an omen as it was a comfort.

There was a moment where everyone stilled after the two kids boarded.

She almost didn’t recognize the girl at first. Unruly dark hair and auburn eyes were nothing if not common. But the rage and hurt and insistence embedded within them told Sasha everything she needed to know. _It was time for the universe to collect._

The silence that once seized the room was quickly replaced by a frustrated scream and a sharp, definitive _bang._

She didn’t feel it at first. For a solid couple of seconds she was certain that the bullet ricocheted off one of the walls and tore itself a new exit. It wasn’t until Sasha caught sight of Connie’s mortified expression that she realized what actually happened.

 _Oh,_ she thought, surprised by her own calm resolve.

Her knees hit the ground with a dull thud before the space erupted into chaos. She found it hard to focus on any one specific thing though. There was some type of liquid, thick and warm, running down her side. Another few shots rang out and the smell of copper and smoke clung to the air uncomfortably. When she couldn’t take the pain anymore, Sasha fell onto her back and stared blankly at the overhead lights.

They looked so pretty. If she let her vision blur anymore they’d almost look like a sunset. She wanted to admire them for a bit longer before she needed to leave. She was tired and the lights were calling.

Connie didn’t give Sasha much of a chance to live out her wish with the way he hunched over her figure and blocked them out. He held her face in his hands and gently caressed her cheeks with his calloused thumbs. He was shouting about something that she couldn’t make out due to the persistent ringing in her ears.

“You’re so…damn loud,” she huffed out. “Are we…eating soon? Maybe, meat.”

She was hoping to make them laugh, wanted to hear either of them bite back with a snarky reply or an irritated grunt. All she got in return were strangled sobs and soft whimpers. Jean called out an order and she was passed off to someone with bandages and careful hands.

There was a brief period where Sasha let her eyes flutter shut because she was entirely too exhausted to keep them open. Connie shook her awake a few times and she was able to catch glimpses of different things. Jean walking the two kids out of the room, a distraught Mikasa and Armin at her side, the passing sky through the open door.

The cool air felt good on her fevered skin and tasted fresh in her heaving lungs.

She sucked in a stuttering breath, then opened her eyes for what would probably be the last time. The pain at her side and the blood pooling around her body were clear enough telltales. She was also fairly sure that the metallic flavor that rested on the tip of her tongue wasn’t a good sign either.

Her gaze landed on Armin first. His soft blonde hair hung messily in his face and his eyes were watery with desperation. It was strange because with the halo that lit up around him he almost looked like Commander Erwin. She wasn’t too sure of the details, but she hoped that he and Eren worked out whatever they’d started before this war came to claim them too. They deserved better than the loose ended fate they were headed for.

She looked over at Connie next and something inside of her, something deeper than the bullet wound ached. His face was broken open – eyes wide and mouth agape. It was shock with all the ugly graces of fear’s deadly hold. Sasha hoped that he’d find peace once she was gone, she hated to think of anger being able to guide such a free heart. She reached out and grasped his hand to give it a weak squeeze before she turned to the last person crowding her.

_Mikasa._

For someone who was normally so composed it was strange to see what grief inflicted on her features. Her body shook with each sob that racked through her body and her brows were wound tightly together. Tears continued to spill past her squinted gaze while she shouted some unheard plea through her chapped lips. She hoped that Mikasa would let herself love and be loved. Even if it couldn’t be her. The world was all _take, take, take,_ but that didn’t mean the people around them weren’t still willing to give.

She deserved to be selfish.

Sasha let her other hand cup Mikasa’s face. The edges of her vision were going dark and her breathing was starting to filter out. She let her eyes stay locked on Mikasa’s. They weren’t as warm as the artificial sunset, but they were just as pretty.

She offered her a shaky smile before resting her eyes for a final time.

_Take me with you, universe._

**~**

There weren’t many bright things in Mikasa’s life.

She’d been born from a cursed lineage that cost her parents their lives. Her found family was ripped from the earth at the hands of a truth that lied far beyond their grasp. Even her childhood friends had spiraled into a bitter end that seemed beyond anyone’s repair – because this was a fight of morals and freedom.

Her existence was a flower that sooner withered than it did bloom.

But it wasn’t like it was all bad. She still got to experience the colors of living in short, sweet bursts. A red scarf on a cold winter evening, teal eyes at the end of the world, the open blue sea stretched out across the horizon. Seeing the world in grays was nice because every spark of color was more vivid than the last, and the memories of them lingered longer.

The light surrounding her was brought on by being a member of the scouts. People always came tumbling in and building foundations in places where no one expected them. They lit up dark corners and became guiding additions in their poorly lit formations. 

This is what Sasha was for her.

A bright additive to her equation. Unexpected and (initially) unwanted, she came running into Mikasa’s life with clumsy footing and a crumb-coated face. She found it amusing – and slightly alarming – how scattered the girl was, but the nature of her unpredictability made her wary more than anything. Sasha wasn’t flighty like Eren or prepared like Armin. She wasn’t a familiar value in Mikasa’s routine.

It didn’t take long for her to adjust to her, though. It was hard to shut someone out when you were roommates. Everything was up for shares – be it headspace, heart-space, or physical space.

Mikasa was quick to learn that Sasha was warm. Nothing but gentle hands in her hair or a soft side pressed against hers on a long night. She talked like she was trying to take you on a journey with her, one that was slow and travelled down a well-worn path. Mikasa especially liked hearing stories about her old town and her time before the scouts.

They reminded her of when of things were easy, when the only worries she had were Armin’s bullies or Eren’s temper.

Sasha also had a good intuition. It was different than when their friends came to a conclusion. Her senses were never the product of a mental game of connect the dots. She just _knew things._ If they were faced with an uncertain situation and she told them to heed her warning, everyone was sure to tread on lightly.

She was a wild card with safety measures and it never made sense to Mikasa.

But she figured that Sasha didn’t need to make sense. She wasn’t an enigma, she was simple – made up of beaming smiles and uncurbed hunger. She came into her life and made sure to leave the lights on before waltzing out. Sometimes Mikasa even wondered if that were something in her that Sasha could read.

The fact that most of her existence was nothing more than dark, empty spaces that begged to be washed out by something bright.

And Mikasa almost lost that. Commander Hange said that if the bullet had hit a bit more to the right…

She tried not to linger on the thought. Instead she focused on the feeling of Sasha’s limp hand in hers and the pulse that thrummed against her grip. Mikasa watched her with tired eyes – tracked the steady rise and fall of her chest as best she could under the dim lights. Commander Hange said to keep an eye out for any changes, but she was fairly certain that they’d only issued that instruction to ease her nerves.

She’d rested in a stiff armchair beside her cot for almost three nights so Mikasa’s senses were slightly muted. It’s why she nearly missed the gentle twitch of Sasha’s hand and the quiet sigh that passed her lips.

“Mikasa?” she called.

Mikasa shot up from her seat and glanced at the door, “It’s me, yeah. Let me get someone-”

“No, don’t,” Sasha shook her head, “Commander Hange already came in to check on me a few hours ago.”

“They did?”

Sasha hummed, “You’d dozed off. They told me to rest and wake you if I needed anything.”

Mikasa didn’t fall back into her seat or loosen her grip on her hand. She took a brief moment to appreciate the fact that Sasha was awake now. She was all restless hair and half-lidded eyes that were fixed on Mikasa. Her smile wasn’t big or beaming, but it was lazy and persistent in a way that was only fit for her.

“Well, do you?”

“Hm?”

“Need anything,” she managed to croak out.

Her voice was so heavy – weighted with an onslaught of emotions that even she couldn’t place. They both heard it too, the tension in her words, probably felt it with the way it settled over the room. Mikasa held Sasha’s unwavering stare and squeezed her hand. Whether she was looking for support or a reassurance that this was real, she wasn’t sure.

Sasha’s eyes went soft, and she ran her thumb along the back of her hand, “Think you can get me something to eat?”

There was a brief pause before Mikasa laughed out in an awkward huff. It was swift and small, a gesture that was over before it even really started. The smile that broke out across her face was foreign and stiff. It was something she didn’t get to do often, but she liked how it felt on her lips.

She heard Sasha giggle at her own tease and let herself be tugged back into the chair beside her cot. She took the movement as an opportunity to uncurl their closed fists and intertwine their fingers instead. Everything felt easy like this, in the close quarters of this room made of wood and low-lit lanterns.

Sasha’s eyes were fire and brimstone. So bright that they were almost blinding. Mikasa thought that out of every color she had in her collection, this was her favorite.

“You know, there actually is something I want,” Sasha said after her laughing spout finished.

Mikasa looked at her with a raised brow and wide eyes, “What’s that?”

“I didn’t get to have it before…well, everything,” she wondered aloud, “but I think I’d hate myself if I missed the chance again.”

“I’ll try and get it, whatever it is.” Mikasa insisted, earnest in the way she only ever was when she hadn’t gotten enough sleep.

“Okay, c’mere so I can tell you.”

She leaned forward into Sasha’s space, then waited patiently for whatever request she had. They were so _close._ Mikasa could feel her breath blowing in little puffs against her lips and her stray hairs tickled the underside of her chin.

Sasha pushed up onto her elbows and moved in closer, if she were in any pain she didn’t seem to show it. She nudged at Mikasa’s nose with her own as if to ask a question. She wasn’t sure what it was but the answer was yes.

_It would always be yes._

As soon as she offered a slight nod in response, Sasha crossed the small distance that remained between them. She pressed her lips against Mikasa’s, a gesture that was quick and warm. When she pulled back it wasn’t all that far, only enough to let her eyes dart across her face to gauge a reaction.

Mikasa breathed a soft, _oh_ , into her mouth, then dipped back in to kiss her again.

She pulled her hand back from Sasha so that she could cup her face between her palms. Mikasa wanted to feel the rush of blood beneath her own fingertips, wanted to know her pulse when it was pressed against her mouth. She still kissed her gently, though.

 _Oh so gently_.

She’d never kissed anyone before but it reminded her a lot of smiling – something pleasant despite its unfamiliarity. She hadn’t completely closed her eyes yet because she wanted to remember the flush of Sasha’s cheeks and the small furrow of her brows. The building shifted and the lanterns flickered with every creak, but Mikasa could only focus on her.

Sasha hummed happily at the slow rhythm they’d worked up, then broke apart from her with a sigh.

“Sorry, I get winded pretty fast now,” she admitted with an embarrassed chuckle.

Mikasa lightly shook her head before resting it against hers, “It’s okay. We’ve got time.”

They took a moment to breathe each other in, a tangled mess of hearts and hands. Sasha’s fingers were twisted in the sheets for support while Mikasa’s were sat at the base of her neck. The room was quiet save for the small sounds of a settling structure.

Their few minutes of peace were short-lived, but the distractions that broke open their calm atmosphere were not unwelcome.

“Oh thank god you’re finally done; we’ve been waiting in the hallway for ages,” Captain Levi complained as Commander Hange knocked at the open door.

He looked entirely too smug to be genuinely upset about it and the Commander only seemed to sport a rather fond expression. They both took a seat in the empty chairs at the foot of Sasha’s cot and skipped the small talk to ask about how she felt. After a check up and another round of pain meds, Captain Levi offered to go inform the others that she was awake.

It wouldn’t take long to round everyone up anyways since they’d all gathered in a separate section of the building to keep tabs on Sasha’s health.

Jean and Connie were the first two in the room. Their footsteps were heavy on the hollow floor and they’d bickered the entire way there over who’d get to see her first.

The pair’s energy fizzled out of them as soon as they saw Sasha smiling from where she was propped up against a huge mound of pillows. They both broke out into tears and rushed around to the other side of her cot. By then Mikasa had fallen back into her seat so that Jean could ruffle her hair and Connie could place a kiss to the top of her head.

Armin was the next to run in with Captain Levi trailing shortly behind him. He sat beside Mikasa and took Sasha’s hand between his own. She tore her gaze away from the other two so that she could meet his hopeful stare. He offered her a crooked smile and muttered something about how he was glad that she was alright.

It was so hectic that Mikasa almost missed the final pair of approaching footsteps.

“Eren,” she said, but she hadn’t meant to announce him.

The room stilled. He was perched against the doorframe and his arms were braced across his chest. He glanced between each of them before his eyes finally landed on Sasha. He took in her appearance, nodded like he was glad to see she was okay, then let his head duck down again. Everyone seemed wary of his actions, but no one was defensive.

Not yet at least.

“Sasha,” Eren said, voice low and firm.

“Yeah?” she asked, matching his cadence.

“Is it true?”

“…is what true?”

There was a pause before he looked back up at her with a grin tugging at his lips.

“That the last thing you said before you passed out,” he snickered, “was meat?”

It took her some time to process what he asked, but once she did Sasha was quick to chuckle along with him, “Yeah.”

“What the fuck? Your last word could’ve been _meat_!” he exclaimed, before breaking into a small bout of laughter.

And something about the incredulity of the situation must have shaken them up because it wasn’t long before the others seemed to join in as well. Boisterous laughter and muffled giggles occupied the room along with the relentless teasing that came from Connie and Jean. It was the noisiest they’d been in days and there was a large wave of relief that tore through Mikasa as a result of that.

She felt young again, less war torn and sad.

She managed to catch Sasha’s eyes amongst the chaos and melted at the honest expression she was met with. Mikasa held her hand out for the other girl to take and warmed instantly when a soft palm aligned with hers. The whole thing felt a lot like hope.

Even if they still had a battle to get back to eventually, Mikasa let herself indulge in this.

She took in a breath, _and bloomed._

**Author's Note:**

> Phew! I feel like this is the quickest I've ever written a fic. I wanted to heal the hurt as soon as I could lol. This whole storyline and all of the different relationships and friendships and losses is what I enjoy most about it, so I wanted to capture a little bit of everything. Hopefully it made someone feel a little better about losing our potato girl :( Please make sure you're all taking care of yourselves - social distance, wear your masks, wash your hands and all that jazz! I love y'all! Stay safe and most importantly happy xoxo <3 :)


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